I'm sitting here at 2am, in candlelight, listening to the downpour outside. This is the setting for my first personal-subject blog. We're now in the livejournal setting.
I had a dream the other night that my plane was going down. It wasn't a nightmare - it was quite peaceful... or rather, I was perfectly calm and everything around me was going up in flames - but of course it got me feeling regretful of all those things I haven't done yet, or things I will not say aloud. This post is directed to no one in particular, rather, it goes towards everyone.
To all of my friends and family I send the usual I love you. I wish I could show you how each of you has affected me, but I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm wildly attached to all of you, and wish I got to spend more time with everyone. We'll work on that.
I've always been able to identify things I don't want in life. Every situation, relationship, novel has showed me something that I don't want and I've been painting this erratic landscape of random swatches with each idea, leaving a perfectly blank silhouette in the center outlining what I do want in life. I'm only now discovering that outline. Throughout some years, many people and ideas have tried to meld into that silhouette, but it's never been that perfect fit. Let's imagine that someone walks into the light, and your silhouette matches the outline flawlessly. I'm left in disbelief that I found you. And so soon in life. But I'm also almost a shade resentful (that word is much too strong) because suddenly anything else is only the next best thing. I will be content wherever I find myself in life, as a personal choice, but it wouldn't be the same without you. The only thing I'll ask of you, gotta promise not to stop when I say when. (name that song!)
I am overwhelmingly content with current conditions, and I'm not worried about the future in the least (maybe a little about job security..) but those ideas were screaming to be heard (typed aloud?). And still it's all just possibilities, really.
And my life wouldn't be the same without anyone that has deeply affected me. I rely on your energy to keep me going all the time. So, thanks everyone :)
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Anytime Padgett! "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."
ReplyDeleteits always easy to say what you don't want, but the figuring out what you do want is what matters. But you are good to not worry about the future, remember God has told us that if he cares for the smallest creatures on earth and provides for them then would he not provide for the creature that is made in his image? Barret's mom used to always say this and I always liked it... Keep a smile on your face and happy in your heart :) I miss you and love you!
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